I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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