just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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