he wants to bone in the snuggie
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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