I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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