she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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