how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
