weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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