Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Well I just put wine in my tea
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
