so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
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