is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
