I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
