I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize