In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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