If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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