singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
