I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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