How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
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