Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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