You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
