All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
