I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize