I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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