Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
