Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
