I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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