I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
