If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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