Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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