Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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