Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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