the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
