imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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