I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
