I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
