i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
