If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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