got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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