he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
