i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
