then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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