The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
