Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
