Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
