I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
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