i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
