i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
