We're facebook friends in real life
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
