Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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