i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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