I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
