i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
