I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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