he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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