The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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